I Had a Plan

There's an old Yiddish saying, "Man plans and God laughs."

I was 18 and I had a plan. I was going to be the typical Mormon boy from Provo, UT. Go on a LDS mission, serve for 2 years, get married, finish school, have a family, be successful. This was my plan. Easy enough right? I'd seen plenty of others easily follow this exact plan and not waiver from it. I was supposed to be just like everyone else. That's what the plan was for.

Plan Part 1: Smooth Sailing

I received a call to serve a full-time, English-speaking mission in Philadelphia, PA. I spent a few months preparing to leave home for 2 years. During that time I experienced a variety of emotions. I was excited, nervous, proud, scared, all of which I just assumed were normal when preparing for something like a mission. I entered the MTC in May 2008 and spent 3 weeks developing a deeper knowledge of LDS teachings and learning how to develop lesson plans, teach investigators, and be a successful missionary. The plan was in motion and going smoothly.

Plan Part 2: Cloudy Skies

I arrived in Philadelphia in early June. (just as a side note, don't wear a suit and long sleeves to Philly in June...). After touring around Philadelphia for the day and eating a real Philly cheese steak we headed to the mission president's home. I was told I would be assigned to the Allentown, PA area and that I would be speaking Spanish in that area. I was a little nervous because I didn't spend the typical 9 weeks studying Spanish in the MTC like those who are called Spanish speaking. My knowledge of Spanish was very basic thanks to the required 2 years in high school. I accepted the challenge and told myself I could make it work.Little did I know, that was the least of my problems.

Plan Part 3: Rough Waters

My first week did not go as expected. Within the first day of arriving in Allentown I started realizing I was overly afraid of everything. I was afraid to walk down the roads because I thought I might get hit by a car. I was afraid to play basketball on p-day because I thought I might brake an ankle. I was afraid of teaching people because I thought they wouldn't understand me. I was afraid something unexpected would happen at home. I was afraid and I didn't know why. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't study, I couldn't teach. I could tell something was really wrong. To make matters worse I couldn't help think that I was failing as a missionary and I was only one week into it. I tried brushing off what I was feeling. I tried engaging myself in the work. I tried everything I could think of but nothing helped. My plan was failing and I didn't know why.

Plan Part 4: Clear Skies?

After a few days of this I called my mission president and told him what I was experiencing. He had me talk to a psychologist who was over all the missions in the north east. We talked over the phone for a few hours as I answered questions and described what I was feeling. The mission president called me later that day and told me the doctor suggested that I was experiencing an abnormal amount of anxiety. After discussing the options, my mission president and I decided the best course of action would be for me to return home and get treated for anxiety. On my flight home (the longest flight of my life) I had a lot of thoughts racing through my head. What exactly is anxiety? Why didn't I see this coming? I really had failed as a missionary. My plan is falling apart.

Plan Part 5: I Just Want to Hide

Being home brought a new set of emotions. I felt shame for failing where so many others succeeded, fear of people thinking less of me, and disappointment in myself for not being tough enough to stick it out. I would sit in my room thinking that this wasn't supposed to happen to me. I had a plan. Everyone else was successful with their plan. Why me?

Then came the counseling/therapy. I wasn't excited about this. I was recommended to a psychologist at LDS family services. We met once, and let's just say it wasn't productive. I came away feeling worse about myself and even more hopeless. Next I met with a "Coach" who taught EFT (emotional freedom technique) which is essentially tapping different parts of your body to get the "electronic current" flowing properly. I couldn't get past my pride enough to take this seriously. Sorry Coach, not for me. During all of this I had started some medication to try and help take the edge off my anxiety, but once again, I couldn't get past the pride of depending on medication to solve my problem.

At some point in that summer I met with another psychologist. At first I was hesitant to meet with him. I didn't want another pointless experience. But this was different. The way he went about explaining things, and helping me identify small things was different. I learned what anxiety was and the physiology behind anxiety. I started figuring out the source of my own anxiety. I started learning how to cope with anxiety and ways to calm myself down.

Plan Part 6: Clear Skies Again?

After a few months of therapy and attempted medication I felt like I had a good handle on this anxiety thing. I was confident enough that I could take on the world again. I talked with my Bishop and Stake President and got a second mission call to Louisville, KY. I was hopeful, excited, nervous, but ready to prove myself wrong.

Plan Part 7: Back to Square One

2 weeks later, I was home again. This time I really felt like an ultimate failure. I mean who goes on a mission twice and fails at it twice? Apparently me. Back to feelings of shame, disappointment, etc. My "plan" was a complete failure.

Plan Part 8: Get 'er done

This time around I wasn't taking any chances. I took medication and forced myself to stay on medication for over 2 years. I did another bout of regular counseling and during counseling round 2 I discovered that I really hadn't learned that much the first time around.

This time I really identified the source of my anxiety. I learned that I was afraid of failing. But who isn't? It's good to want to succeed, but it's very unhealthy to fear failing. I also realized that I was afraid of not living up to the expectations others had for me. These weren't necessarily real expectations but what I had perceived to be expectations. Because others around me had followed a specific "plan" I had to follow a similar plan. I had formed an identity based on perceived expectations. It wasn't easy to change years of thought processes. But it had to be done in order for me to "overcome" my anxiety.

What did I learn from this?

• Anxiety is very real and very much sucks.
• Anxiety is personal. It should be addressed personally. There are millions of solutions to dealing with anxiety. Find the one that works best for you.
• You don't beat anxiety, you control it.
• Don't shy away from help. Be willing to be vulnerable. Do what's necessary to win.
• Don't plan.

Now I didn't write this to "toot my own horn". I didn't win anything or do anything super fantastic worth writing about. In fact this is about the 20th draft of this story. It's taken me 4+ years to write, edit, and rewrite this. I wrote this just to write it. It may be worth remembering at some point. I also wrote this to acknowledge that there are others out there who haven't yet had the same success with anxiety as I have. I am lucky and I think about that everyday. I still struggle with anxiety and I will forever struggle. But I will come out conqueror. To anyone out there who has similar feelings or a similar experience, I say good luck. It's not easy but it can be done. And there is no plan for overcoming anxiety.